Every Yuletide, I go in search of a rare, wonderful plant. This plant holds an honored place in our native Teutonic myths and traditions, and continues to be revered even by Christians who are unaware of its Pagan past.
It is also one of the most difficult things I've ever had to obtain.
I have a knack for finding unusual things. It comes as a byproduct of my lifelong interest in traditional spirituality and the more bizarre aspects of life--try finding drinking horns and madder in the pre-internet era!
Even if you put me on the Moon I could find unusual things (besides Moon rocks).
You could put me in the middle of a Presbyterian church in Massachusetts, and I'd find things you've never seen or heard of.
But I have the greatest difficulty finding mistletoe.
I used to go out to buy it just before Mother Night (the first night of Yuletide, Dec. 20) so I could have some in my Yule wreath and some more hanging in the house through the twelve nights of Yule.
A few years ago a friend was visiting a greenhouse and I asked her to pick some up--I already had a few sprigs of dried stuff, but I figured, what the hell--gave her ten dollars and hoped she could buy two sprigs with it.
She came back with two huge, beautiful sprigs--and six dollars.
"Had I known it was so cheap," I noted, "I'd have asked you to spend the whole amount!"
The next year was the beginning of my troubles. I spent hours driving all around Kalamazoo to find a place that would sell me mistletoe. I finally found a single dried piece at Meijer. And though it was a week before Christmas, they were not planning on restocking (I know--I had spoken with the manager).
The following year I was living in Otsego. I knew that the local Meijer had a nice stock of mistletoe, but to be safe I embarked on my search earlier than usual.
It was to no avail. Meijer was sold out. I tried every store in town. I had even contacted the florist sometime beforehand to see about ordering some (they mysteriously never contacted me again, even after I called to remind them).
I drove to Kalamazoo. I tried every Meijer there. I went to Lowe's, Home Depot, Michael's (the craft store) and its brother, World Market; a little home and garden boutique in a posh section of town (you should have seen how the proprietress stared at me--she was obviously a female version of Scrooge). I went to both D&Ws, and all of the "Party USA" and "Party Headquarters" type stores.
Target yielded nothing.
I have never set foot in a Walmart, nor do I intend to.
In wrath I descended upon the greenhouses. None of them stocked it.
Finally I had had enough. "Why," I asked the owner of the last greenhouse I visited, "don't you stock it?"
The plump assistant just gave an embarrassed laugh--but hearty, at the same time, as if to say, "boy, you called us out on our obvious foolishness, and it sure is funny, isn't it funny, please stop"--think of Phillip Seymour Hoffman's character in The Big Lebowski and add about fifty pounds, you get the idea.
The owner literally said nothing--maybe she expected her assistant to forcibly eject me from the premises--but she did reward me with a cheerless stare.
For the first time in years, I had no mistletoe for Yuletide--and I was furious.
Last year, after my usual fruitless search, I decided to try the internet.
I found a lady out west who would send me a whole box for a very nice price, via eBay.
I placed the order and immediately had problems with Paypig. It took about three days and two forty-five minute phone calls to Paypig reps to get the thing sorted out. By that time, there was no way the mistletoe would reach me by Mother Night.
It did reach me by the twenty-third, though, less than halfway through Yuletide. I made little hanging sprigs with ribbon and gave them out to anyone who would have them. I passed them out to local businesses (I live right downtown). I gave them to neighbors, friends, family. I filled my house with it.
And I resolved that this year, I would do the thing right and get some more from the same source.
Fast forward to this year. I go to log into eBay so I can look up the mistletoe lady, and it tells me my username or password is incorrect. I find this suspicious, but the site has a button which will send your username to you if you give them your email address. That sounds good. So I check my email and there is nothing from eBay. Not even in the spam folder. That's cool, I think, these things sometimes take a couple of minutes. I check again after an hour, and my email is still free of eBay messages.
So I go back to eBay and type in my email address again and press the button which will send my username to my email address. This time I wait overnight.
The next morning there was still no sign of my username, so I sent a help email to eBay.
That hasn't been replied to yet, either.
While I'm waiting, I went to eBay just to see if I could find my mistletoe lady.
I found half a dozen people selling vast quantities of mistletoe. Lots of good deals.
And I can't buy any of it.
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